Keeping Up With The Joneses

“Everybody is a genius.  But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” – Albert Einstein 

We all have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. I’d even say that part of the appeal of seemingly harmless social networking sites like Facebook is to see what others are up to – and to see where we are in comparison.

The one problem with comparisons is that we always look upwards. We compare ourselves to those with more. We look at those older, richer, more “successful” and ask “why aren’t I where they are?”.

However progress is measured by the distance from which you have come. Each person’s journey in life is different, and began at a different point, so to compare yourself to anyone is pretty futile. All we see of someone else’s life is from the outside – we have no idea what their inner desires, motivations, frustrations or fears are, so our judgement will only ever be incomplete. Maybe from your point of view, someone seems to have ‘everything’ – but do you know whether or not they are happy? or whether or not they are going about getting what they have in a way that would be in alignment with your own values and standards? Plus, there will always be someone with more!

Why not look at what you’ve achieved relative to your own life, relative to where you started from, and the resources that have been available to you? I’m sure if you do that, you’ll find that you’ve achieved a hell of a lot.

Comparing yourself to someone else suggests that there is one common yardstick for measuring success. Maybe by society’s terms, success is being rich and famous but not everyone is interested in being rich or famous. It is of course much better to judge your success on your own terms. Going to Cambridge for me is a success since I’m the first in my family to have attended the university. However, if I looked at a family which has attended Cambridge for generations, my success would seem insignificant. But to make that comparison would miss the point.

The point is that we are all running our own race, and there is no competition except the competition within your mind. There is no need and no point in comparing yourself to anyone. Since you will only ever live your life, it would be better to focus on your that, reflect on where you came from, examine where you are and decide for yourself if you’re happy with your progress you’ve made and the journey you’re on. If not, make a change. But what that Joneses do has nothing to do with you, nor should they form the basis for deciding on how you feel about where you are in your life.

You are a unique individual with talents, gifts and abilities which no one else has. Focus on those, and what you – and you alone – have to offer the world.

“Don’t borrow someone else’s spectacles to view yourself with” – Simon Travaglia

Make Friends With Your Dreams

Do you have a dream? Or maybe you had a dream which you have forgotten, or even buried?

I’ve found that getting that bit closer to 30 has made me acutely aware of all the dreams I’ve ever had about my life. I looked back to when I was 16, and asked myself if I was doing what I dreamt I’d be doing at 26. The answer was actually no. Although I was doing some great things, within my chosen field, I was not doing what I’d dreamt I would be doing. What that means is that I was not doing what I really wanted to be doing.

I realized that along the way, particularly since leaving university, I’d slowly stopped dreaming. I was becoming worn down by bills, by climbing the career ladder, by how much I was earning, and by the general realities of day-to-day life. I’d let my dreams go because I thought they were unrealistic, and convinced myself that what I needed was to just get myself a ‘real job’. However, it was all taking a toll on my spirit…

Some time out - and I must admit a bit of therapy and lots of self-help books – led me to the conclusion that this is my only life and I need to live it my way. So I made friends with my dreams again. Excavated them and dusted them off…And I cannot tell you how good it feels to be back in touch with them.

We dream for a reason and I believe that our dreams hold the key to our true success and fulfillment in life. Maybe your dream was to be an accountant and you’re doing that – great. However, if your dream was to be an inventor, but you’re working as an  accountant I can guarantee that there is part of you that feels miserable. Dreams, which hold the key to our true desires, are a roadmap that tell us which direction we’re meant to be headed in.

Many of us are afraid to pursue our passions. We’ll often give a range of reasons (i.e. excuses) for why we can’t do it: not enough money/not enough time/I’m too old/I have bills to pay. But dreams are not to be ignored. There is no amount of money that will compensate for not following what’s in your heart.

It’s never too late to  pursue your passion. No matter what you may have to give up, the benefits will always be worth it. You can always make it work, even if you begin by doing something on the side instead of full time. It really is a matter of choices, though. If there are people whose lives or lifestyles you admire, there is no mystery as to how they got there – it’s simply a result of choices they made. Those choices are not always easy, and it may mean stepping out of your comfort zone, and facing your greatest fears. However, there is no reward without risk.

If you aren’t convinced, I ask you to think ahead to 20 years time, and how you’ll feel looking back knowing that you were too afraid to follow the callings of your soul.

I leave you with this quote from Mark Twain: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Life is Not a Straight Line

When you start school everything is mapped out for you and progress happens in a linear fashion. You know, for example, that at 15, you will do GCSE’s. At 18, you will go on to take A Levels. At university, after 3 years (or however long your course is) you will get a degree. At each step you collect your symbol of achievement (your grades etc) and automatically progress to a higher level. The education system is a great security blanket which provides a very clear path and sense of direction.

Then you graduate and you enter the real world. You look around and see that the real world is not remotely linear. The real world goes against pretty much everything that you’re taught in education. You may realize that it’s not necessarily the brainiest or most educated people who get to the top; that a great education does not guarantee immediate riches; and that there is no straight forward path for success. There are no tests to take which will guarantee your entry to the next level of life. This reality can be very frightening, particularly because most twentysomethings are unprepared for it.

But life itself does not happen in a straight line, nor is it mapped out for you. There are ups and downs, highs and lows, twists and turns. It’s up to each and everyone of us to clear our own path through the forest and make our way through. It requires us to take responsibility for ourselves in every way, something that we have not necessarilly been taught how to do and something that we often resist doing because it makes us truly accountable for how our lives turn out.

The fact that life isn’t a straight line is also hugely exciting. It means that you can make it go in whichever direction you choose. It also means accepting that your destiny lies in your hands and you are shaping it each and every day. Rather than being subject to someone else’s terms and conditions, you can create your own. It is, in fact, the ultimate freedom; one to be embraced with both hands.

In school, we are taught that there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Many of us are afraid of making mistakes, of not getting it ‘right’. This paralyses us and we become afraid of moving forward in any direction. But that is an illusion. Everything we do that helps us to learn and grow is what’s right for us. Those things are what will take us to the next level and ensure our success as people. It will take us in a zig-zag, round about manner, but that’s ok because that’s life. And life is not a straight line!

How To Thrive Through The Quarterlife Crisis – Look In The Mirror

For me, emerging from the Quarterlife doldrums has brought with it an increased self-awareness and self-confidence. That has come from the fact that for the first time ever I truly know who I am and what I want. Getting through the Quarterlife Crisis meant taking a good long look in the mirror at myself.

Identifying who you are, I believe, is probably the most important factor in getting through the Quarterlife Crisis (and life in general). You probably know what your school, university, parents, peers and everyone else thinks you should be or do, but do you really know for yourself?

Do you really know what makes you tick? Do you know what your real strengths and weaknesses are? Are you aware of the things that make you feel good, enthused and dedicated, and those that sap your energy, frustrate you or make you tear your hair out? Beyond just knowing them, have you accepted them?

For me, moving forward meant not only realizing that I like to be independent and autonomous in my work, and that I hate having to answer to anyone, but accepting that to be the case. It meant accepting that I probably will never be happy working for anyone else, because that’s just part of my make up – and that’s ok. That acknowledgement of my ‘weakness’ is probably my greatest strength and what has set me on the path to fulfillment and a sense of purpose. 

We all know the ’shoulds’. And that’s part of the problem, because the ’shoulds’ often don’t fit in with what actually is. Many quarterlifers experience a conflict betweeen how they feel they are expected to be, to live, or to arrange their working lives, and the reality of who they are, how they live and what they want from their careers.

If we really knew ourselves, and accepted what we know about ourselves, there would be no conflict. We would unashamedly pursue what makes us tick because we realize that that is what is best for us, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. We would not ’should’ all over ourselves, because we’d realize there is no point, and we’d be able to stand firm rooted in our self-knowledge.

My real forward movement through the Crisis came in taking a real serious inventory of myself. What I like. What I don’t like. What feels good. What feels bad. What matters to me. What doesn’t. What I do and don’t value. What I would like. What I wouldn’t like. When I had done all of that, I then decided that all of my actions would be congruent with what I now knew about myself.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. It sometimes seems easier to be what other people – especially your parents who have such high hopes for their dear child – want you to be but when you know yourself and act accordingly you feel good inside (which is ultimately what everyone is aiming for) and are able to make better, more focussed, decisions.

Feeling like the quarterlife is getting to you? I’d suggest getting to know yourself better. Ask yourself who you really are. If you think this is all airy-fairy, idealistic nonsense remember that your life begins with you. And if you’re not living your life, whose life are you living?

I leave you with this quote: “The most successful people are those who don’t have any illusions about who they are. They know themselves well and they can move in the direction of their best talents. They know the kind of culture they thrive in and how they can benefit from that culture. Unfortunately, most people don’t understand themselves. Most people don’t want to lose their illusions about themselves, although they say they want to take charge of their [life]“ (by Bud Bray – quoted in ‘Is It Too Late to Run Away and Join the Circus?’)

The Quarterlife Crisis

Many of you may have already been through the Quarterlife Crisis… Maybe you’re going through it right now.

These characteristics of quarter-life crisis (taken from Wikipedia) may be familiar to you, or maybe you will recognize yourself amongst them:

- feeling “not good enough” because one can’t find a job that is at one’s academic/intellectual level
- frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career
- confusion of identity
- insecurity regarding the near future
- insecurity regarding present accomplishments
- disappointment with one’s job
- nostalgia for university or college life
- boredom with social interactions
- financially-rooted stress
- a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you

“These emotions and insecurities are not uncommon at this age, nor at any age in adult life. In the context of the quarter-life crisis, however, they occur shortly after a young person – usually an educated professional, in this context – enters the “real world”.

After entering adult life and coming to terms with its responsibilities, some individuals find themselves experiencing career stagnation and/or extreme insecurity. This can be after securing a first job or straight out of college/university. The individual often realizes the real world is tougher, more competitive and less forgiving than they imagined. Furthermore, the qualifications they have spent so much time and money earning are not likely to prepare them for this disillusionment.”

As someone who has been through this Quarterlife Crisis, and is (hopefully) on the other side of it my next few posts I am going to present my experiences and views on what can be done to get through this time of life successfully. Watch this space.

Pursue The Passion

I came recently across a brilliant website – www.pursuethepassion.com . It was started by some guys who didn’t know what they wanted to do when they finished college, so decided to travel around the US interviewing people who were passionate about their work in order to help them decide what to do and also to provide advice to other young people. They are about to embark on their second US tour to do the same.

The Pursue The Passion website says: “Half the American work force is not satisfied with their job, and only a fifth apply a passion towards their career. As this trend trickles to students entering the working world, people continue to pursue a path that leads them further from their true dreams.” Considering that we spend most of our waking hours at work, this is quite sad.

The guy who started it, Brett Farmiloe, has also made up a pdf e-book about pursuing your passion based on the interviews he conducted on the first tour. There are some great tips in there!
http://www.pursuethepassion.com/ebook/PTP_timeless_advice.pdf

Poking Fun at Success, South Park Style

Following on from the last post, check out this brilliant animation made by Trey Parker and Matt Stone (creators of South Park)… In their own funny way, they poke fun at the traditional notions of success that we are often taught through education and by our society.http://www.neticons.net/music_life/

What’s Your Definition of Success?

In our hyper-consumerist society, success is usually defined by what you have or what you do. From a young age we are taught that success in life is based on which grades you get, which school and university you attend, which company you end up working in and how much you earn. I’m not saying that these things are unimportant, but it can be rather depressing when you have got your straight A’s, your degree from a red-brick university, your £30K a year starting salary and a job at one of the country’s top firms only to find that you don’t feel like much of a success at all.

Very subtly, our education and work system teaches that we must impress and gain approval from our parents, our teachers, our professors, and even our peers, if we are to get on in life… But rarely are we encouraged to consider look inside ourselves and ask how we feel about the things we do.

The concept of inner success is one that is totally missing from our society, yet external achievements are irrelevant if not matched by an internal feeling of accomplishment, a sense of contentment and generally feeling good about oneself and one’s achievements. I’m sure we can all cite at least one case of someone who seemingly has it all yet is still unhappy and I’m sure there are people reading this who are extremely successful from an outsider’s perspective but are still searching for more because they don’t feel satisfied.

I’ve come to realise that success is not only ’out there’. Success is who you are and how you feel. Success is not just in the destination or in the final result but in the process of getting there. Success is in the learning, in the overcoming of obstacles, in your growth and development as a person. Success is about knowing who you are and feeling good about being that person. I truly believe that when you feel this inside, you will also have as much external success as you could ever want.

My experiences have forced me to challenge my own notions of success and I now make life decisions from the inside-out, in the knowledge that feelings and emotions about a situation count for more than just the situation itself. As a result I am happier, more focussed and find it much easier to make the right choices for me.

I encourage you today to think about your definition of success. Maybe your definition of success is leading you to the right places, and you feel good about where, and who, you are. I hope so. Maybe, however, your definition of success is leading you elsewhere and you have found yourself at the top of a ladder which has been leaning against the wrong wall.

I leave you with this quote by Albert Schweitzer: “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”

The Paradox of Choice

One of the beautiful things about being educated and having virtually unlimited access to information is that our generation, today’s 20-somethings, have more choice than ever before….

Unlike our parents we probably won’t have a ‘job for life’ and many of us will have a number of ‘careers’ in our lifetime… But can this choice be paralysing? If you can do so many things, how do you choose which to do? The number of options open to us can be scary… How do you make the ‘best’ decision? Which is the right path?

Through our conditioning too often, particularly in school, we’re not taught to do what we really love or are passionate about, but what is the most prestigious, will earn you the most money, or what you ’should’ do… which isn’t necessarily the best recipe for long-lasting satisfaction or fulfillment. I believe that the best path to choose is the one that you’re passionate about and that will ultimately provide you with longer term satisfaction.

Look at people that you respect, admire, and look up to (e.g. mine are Oprah, Richard Branson, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Deepak Chopra) and you will see people who are hugely successful doing what they are best at and what they are truly passionate about.

That now is my yardstick when it comes to making any choices in life, work related or not.. I ask “Do I want to do this?”, “Do I care about doing this?”, “Am I passionate about this?” and if not, I bin it. I know there are those of you will say that you don’t have the luxury to make such choices; that you need to pay the bills and put food on the table.  Yes you must take care of your responsibilities, but remember that pursuing your passion and creating a meaningful life is a choice – and you are the only one who can actively take the steps to get there. When in your life will you ever not have responsibilities and financial commitments? If you don’t take the steps while you’re still young and relatively care-free, when will you?

Furthermore…surely, apart from the availability of choices, the great thing about being educated is having the luxury to do what you actually want?

Making It Meaningful…

“Making It Meaningful” is a double entendre. 

On one hand, I’m talking about ”making it” in terms of being successful and achieving. However, this blog is not only aimed at people who want to “make it” in life…It’s aimed at people who want to do so in a meaningful way.

This site is aimed at those who are looking not only for money, but for fulfillment and purpose. Those who are looking not only for a job, but a career that nourishes the soul. I aim to offer guidance, resources, articles, insights based on my own lessons and those of others’ for doing that.

“Making It Meaningful” also refers to making life itself meaningful. Looking for the deeper things in life… the things that really count, not just what can be counted.

As a young person – a twentysomething – I am writing primarily for other young people but this site is for everyone who benefits from it. Today’s twentysomethings are facing unique challenges and pressures that our parents did not face. Our search for answers often takes us to sites/articles which tell us ’how to write the perfect CV’ or ‘impress your boss’ but not how to define success for yourself, how to find your passion or make a choice when you have a myriad of them. Here I will address important issues facing young people, but go beyond just the practical.

Join me on this meaningful journey!